76 Seconds to Utter and Total Calm

And why a children’s book has made swearing such a big part of my big vocabulary

How to Breathe When You Just Want Sleep

Do you suck at sleeping?

I’ve always been beyond jealous of those people who can just put their head on the pillow and… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Enter Sandman.

When I was a kid, I wished every night to be teleported to Japan because they were waking up when I had to go to sleep.

During college, I was a DJ at a bar. I’d work until close and then stay up until o’dark thirty watching Golden Girls reruns. (Which still seems like a good way to end the evening, now that I’m thinking about it.)

In my 20s, the world’s most pressing concerns would make themselves evident sometime between 2 and 4am.

Questions like, how long can I make it before I have to do laundry this week? Should I run my errands before work or after? What movie should we see this weekend? 

These days, my husband and I even have a familect inspired by sleep.

A what?

It’s common to have a shared “familect” with the people you’re closest to – a secret language with your significant other, family, or friends. 

Part of mine with my husband comes from ye old classic children’s book “Go the F**k to Sleep”.

If we’re setting the alarm to leave the house, one of us might say to the other “get out, get the f**k out.” Or if he calls me on his way to work, I’ll tell him “go to work, go the f**k to work” even though said activity is already in progress.

Don’t judge. If you know me even a little, then you’re already aware I’m not one to wax lovey dovey to my snugglepuss.

Anyway, did you know this book has sold over 3 MILLION copies and been translated into more than 40(!) languages? It was also Time magazine’s “Thing of the Year” in 2011.

Apparently the title resonated. Not really a surprise, given that a third of American adults report getting less than 7 hours of sleep on a regular basis. 

And here’s some craptastic news… 

You’ve probably heard that insufficient sleep can lead to major health issues like diabetes, dementia, or heart disease. But did you know that it also increases your odds of the common cold?

Plus it ages your brain, leads to more accidents and mishaps (due to delayed processing on behalf of that brain) and makes you more likely to listen to bands like Nickelback.

Hoping to avoid all that?

Yeah, me too.

So if you’re looking to go the f**k to sleep, or to help one of your little bundles of joy at home do it, I’ve gotcha covered. As a breathwork coach who helps people figure out the best breath for how they want to feel at any given moment – this is a classic for sleep and one of my very favorites.

Sleep goals!

4-7-8 Breath*

The 4-7-8 breath is one of the quickest, most effective, and best known breathing patterns for shifting your nervous system from “OMFG, my kids hate me, my business is gonna fail, and and I’m being chased by Sasquatch” to “ahhh, life’s a beach where I’m being fanned with palm fronds while the waves lap gently at the shore”. 

This technique is known to help in lots of situations when you want to down-regulate – like when your mother-in-law criticizes your new curtains, or the dry cleaner can’t get that stain out, or you’ve been sitting in a 27-hour Zoom meeting – and is especially helpful when you’re trying to get the hell to sleep after all that.

It’s simple to do. Just empty all the air from your lungs, and place your tongue so the tip of is touching the V between your two front teeth near the roof of your mouth.

And then:

• Inhale smoothly and quietly through your nose for 4 seconds.

• Hold your breath for 7 seconds.

• Exhale forcefully through your mouth for 8 seconds. Purse your lips, making a whooshing sound as the air comes out. Think “blowfish”.

Repeat the cycle four times like the warrior you are.  You might feel a little lightheaded, especially if you haven’t tried it before. But you’ll also feel incredibly relaxed. Imagine?

4-7-8. 4-7-8. 4-7-8. 4-7-8.

That’s it! Try it and see how different you feel in just one minute and 16 seconds.

*4-7-8 was invented by integrative medicine doctor Andrew Weil.

Pro Tips for the 4-7-8 Breath

Tip #1:

For this breath, the ratios of time are more important than the total number of seconds. 

So if it’s an uncomfortable struggle for you to hold your breath for 7 seconds, try cutting the pattern in half, so that you’re inhaling for 2 seconds, holding for 3.5 seconds, and exhaling with a whoosh for 4 seconds.

Want a little more intensity? Then do 8 rounds of this breath instead of just 4. 

But wait until you’ve mastered 4 rounds first…

You can feel the effects of the 4-7-8 breath quickly, so you might get a little woozy if you’re not quite ready for it. 

Which can be fun, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Tip #2:

This breath gets more relaxing the more you use it. You’ll start to feel like a zenmaster if you do it daily… or even twice daily if you’re really excited.

Dr. Weil would approve. 

Tip #3:

If you end up loving this breath pattern and start using it frequently to help you sleep, you might want to avoid using it at other times when you want to stay awake. 

When you’re driving, for example. Driving while sleeping usually ends badly. 

If you really like this breath for sleep, there are plenty of other relaxing techniques you can use when you want to chill but remain conscious. (Don’t worry, we’ll chat alllll about them in the not-too-distant future.) 

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Funny how the fact that you’re constantly breathing can make it hard to remember that you’re breathing.

Which is why I’m a little obsessed with my Mindsight Now Breathing Buddha lamp**… and so are a bunch of people who bought one after asking me for the link.

It helps you regulate the rhythm of your breath – including 4-7-8 breath – without having to actively think about it or time it out.

Picture the Pillsbury Doughboy, but colorful, more zen, and without the creepy giggle. I keep mine near my computer screen so I can see it while I type.

(**That’s a magical affiliate link. What’s magical about it? It rewards me for sharing cool stuff with you without costing you a cent. Win-win!)

The Last Gasp…

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for in the morning, sleep late.”

– Henny Youngman

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