I Lost a Fight with an Iguana
It wasn't my first Florida Woman moment, and I'm sure it won't be my last
You know that list of approximately 11,972 things you thought were achingly cool when you were a kid, until the day you didn’t?
Iguanas are easily in my personal top 50.
Growing up in Michigan, if you ever heard anything about an iguana, it was that someone’s older brother kept one as a pet. Which conjured up all sorts of positive mental images of things like palm trees, warm weather, cool parents…
I figured it took a special mom or dad who would allow a lizard large enough to be seen by the naked eye to share their home. So I was automatically predisposed to liking at least one of them.
These days, I know you can’t make assumptions about parents based on their kids’ choice of four-legged friends.
And as a Florida resident, I also know that iguanas are Satan’s little henchmen.
Do you like having flowers and plants around your home as part of your landscaping?
Be prepared to have them chomped on – daily – by these amphibious rodents. Especially anything brightly colored, like bougainvillea.
Maybe. But also, maybe not. Their tastes change from year to year.
Regardless of which plants are their personal buffet, you know what’s gonna happen after they eat? The iguanas digest it all… and then they poop all over my patio.
My flowers are literally turned to sh!t.
But wait, there’s more!
Iguanas also destroy sea walls, which are expensive to fix but unfortunately very necessary, especially when you live at sea level.
So you can see why they’re Satan’s little henchmen. And you can probably understand why I run after them like a crazed serial killer when I see them outside my window.
The one I chased the other day, though, wasn’t your typical iguana. It didn’t jump or scurry away like I expected. It just mosied along as if it didn’t care. It didn’t even pick up the pace as my foot made contact with its tail.
Finally, that movement got my nemesis down to the dock. So I ran after it… and proceeded to trip hard over a tie-on.
OMFG, did it hurt. Dear Lord. My middle three left toes – instant fire. Although I realized the burning feeling was about to turn cold because as I stumbled, I almost fell into the water. So I grabbed for one of the pilings to steady myself and banged my knee for good measure.
Meanwhile, the little green terrorist sauntered off the end of the dock into the murky water.
I hobbled inside and started doing all the first-aid things: cleaned the blood off with antiseptic, put on some arnica gel to help with the pain and swelling, took some Advil and put on an ice pack.
By that point, the stars cleared out of my eyes and I finally remembered that breathwork would also help.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a miracle. It’s not going to instantly prevent a heart attack or cut off intense physical pain.
But what it CAN do is reduce your heart rate (which helps your cardiac health over time) and induce you to “rest and digest”.
Breathwork can also help you redirect your attention to something other than your pain, while at the same time changing how your brain processes it so it feels less intense.
So while it’s not a miracle, breathwork has noticeable benefits. And compared to excruciating pain… well, sign me right up.
You, too?
Here’s the super-simple technique I did while I iced my poor, mutilated toes.
4 second inhale
4 second breath hold
8 second exhale
I did this for 16 breaths, which takes just over 5 minutes.
And when I was done, I felt… not better. But the intensity of the throbbing in my foot had gone down a couple notches. My anger started dissipating and I could see the humor in the situation. I was able to get back to work and refocus on what I’d been doing before The Incident.
Make no mistake, though...
I’m not chasing iguanas anymore. It’s time to buy a BB gun and introduce them to my inner Clint Eastwood.
LAST GASP
Another thing I do for immediate pain is tell myself that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t hurt at all. I think “it’s just your nerve endings hurting, and this sensation only takes up X% of your body.”
This probably wouldn’t work if, say, you’ve been stabbed. But I swear it helps for cuts and bruises.
Now, I know I’m not the only klutz out there. What’s a crazy “oops” or “ouch” moment you’ve had that’s funny in hindsight? Let me know in the comments!