Calm is Contagious
A surprising way to own the room before you even walk in
We’ve all been in one of those rooms…
The tension is thick with some combination of unspoken conflict, bad news, or just too many people running too hot. But then someone walks in, and without seeming to do anything beyond that, something shifts. Not entirely. But noticeably.
It’s not a personality thing. It’s not charisma – they may not have even spoken. It’s that their nervous system broadcasts a signal other nervous systems respond to.
Some people are able to do this innately, without being aware of it. If that’s not you, though, you can train your nervous system to be able to do it.
How?
And more importantly, why would you want to?
What makes people feel safe
Most people have heard of the two classic states of the autonomic nervous system: fight-or-flight (your sympathetic, high-alert branch), and rest-and-digest (your parasympathetic, recovery-mode branch). But psychiatrist and neuroscientist Stephen Porges identified a third state that doesn’t just calm you down, but actively signals safety to the people around you.
He called it the ventral vagal state, and it operates differently from either of the other two. It governs the muscles of your face, the tone of your voice, your ability to hear and process human speech clearly in a noisy environment. It’s the physiological foundation of what we experience as genuine presence – the condition under which real listening, real connection, and real trust are most possible.
When you’re in this state, you’re not just regulating yourself. Your nervous system is broadcasting.
Porges described this in The Polyvagal Theory (2011), and the research that followed has continued to build the case that the ventral vagal state is social by design and evolved specifically to support human connection. And accessing it isn’t a matter of deciding to be calmer – it requires a primarily physiological shift over a cognitive one.
Nervous system states are contagious
Your nervous system state isn’t a private experience. It’s social information, and it moves through a room before your words do.
Neuroscientists use the term “co-regulation” for the way human nervous systems influence one another. In many studies, when people interact, their heart rates, breath rhythms, and even neural activity can begin to synchronize. Research suggests this alignment comes more quickly and easily when one person is in a more regulated state.
This is why certain people make a room feel different when they walk in. Why the regulated parent can de-escalate a meltdown not by saying the right thing but by arriving in a different state. Why some people leave you feeling clearer and more settled after a conversation, while others leave you vaguely depleted.
Good news: the ventral vagal state is accessible on purpose. Your breath is the most direct route in.
A breath that soothes like the ocean
The vagus nerve is the primary pathway into the ventral vagal state. It’s the longest, most complex cranial nerve in the body, running from the brainstem through the heart, lungs, and gut. This nerve responds measurably to slow, controlled breathing patterns.
Most breathwork techniques work mainly through breath rate and ratio. The one I’m about to share adds a physical element to the mix.
Ujjayi breathing, or ocean breath, creates a slight constriction at the back of the throat during both the inhale and the exhale. This narrowing produces a soft, steady internal sound (kind of like the ocean, or maybe Darth Vader), which seems to provide additional vagal stimulation.
Here’s your how to:
Sit comfortably with your spine upright. Close your mouth. Take a slow breath in through your nose, and gently narrow the back of your throat. Not a full closure, just a slight constriction, the way you might fog a mirror but with your mouth shut. You should hear a faint, even sound. Inhale for 5–6 counts.
On the exhale, maintain the same gentle constriction. Keep the sound even and steady as the breath releases, again for 5-6 counts. Let the exhale complete fully before the next breath begins.
Start with a minute or two. If you dig it, keep going.
See if you don’t notice a gradual slowing down, a quality of settling, a sense of actually being in the moment you’re in. That’s your ventral vagal state doing what it was built to do.
One other thing worth noting: this technique can be invisible in context. The throat constriction doesn’t show, and it doesn’t have to be loud. You can use it for 30 seconds before a difficult conversation, in the moments before you walk back into the house after a long day, at the top of any situation that asks something of you. No one will know, but the people around you may very likely feel it.
Last Gasp
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” — Peter Drucker
P.S. The Breathing & Balance Hub includes on-demand sessions – short, practical practices that fit into real situations, not just quiet mornings. Sessions start at 2 minutes. If you’ve been thinking about joining, I’ve got a special offer coming next week. Sign up here for 3 of my favorite breath techniques (it’s free) and I’ll add you to the waitlist →