The Case Against Calming Down
Why trying to relax before a big moment can be exactly the wrong move
It’s one of my goals in life, and hopefully yours too, to spend most of my time in a calm, chill, deactivated nervous system state.
Most of my time of course means “not always”.
Because there are moments when advice to calm down, well-intentioned as it is, can actively work against you.
(As a brief aside, a male should virtually never, under any circumstances, tell his female significant other to “relax”. Unless he’s being paid as her professional hypnotherapist, in which case they probably shouldn’t be dating? I digress.)
But before we get into this, a quick acknowledgement: the world feels heavy right now, and many people are facing challenges far greater than nerves before a presentation or tough conversation. If that’s you or someone you love, my heart is with you.
Now, let me explain…
Anxiety and Excitement are Two Sides of the Same Coin
In 2014, Harvard Business School researcher Alison Wood Brooks published the results of a series of experiments on what happens when people face something that makes them nervous: a high-stakes karaoke performance, a public speech, a difficult math problem.
Before each one, she gave participants a single instruction. Some of them told themselves, “I am calm” while others thought, “I am excited.”
The calm group tried to suppress their arousal. The excited group reframed it. And counter to what you might expect, the excited group performed better across the board. Higher singing scores, more accurate math, more persuasive speeches.
What made the finding even more striking: their physiological arousal going in was nearly identical. The biology was the same. Same elevated heart rate, same adrenaline, same heightened alertness. What changed was the story they were telling themselves about what their body was doing.
That story changed everything about how they used their energy. By telling themselves their physical sensations were excitement rather than nerves, those participants felt more excited and had more of a growth-oriented mindset. The result? Better performances.
In other words…
Anxiety and excitement have many of the same markers and may feel the same physiologically. What separates them isn’t your nervous system. It’s your interpretation of it.
Trying to Calm Down Can Rev You Up
Emotional suppression is expensive. Telling yourself to calm down requires cognitive effort from your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain you actually need for the task ahead. You’re spending resources just to contain the activation before you’ve even gotten to what matters.
For most people, trying to go from a 10 to a 0 in the minutes before something important doesn’t work. You land at a tense, effortful 7.
And for high achievers, there’s an added layer: you’re already used to performing under pressure. Your nervous system has done this thousands of times and it knows how to operate in a high-arousal state. The activation you feel before something that matters is your body doing exactly what it’s designed to do. The machinery isn’t the problem. The question is just where you’re pointing it.
Trying to shut it all down before something important is like starting up a race car to let it sit in park. The power is already there… is this really the best way to use it?
A Simple Way to Redirect Your Energy
Here’s where breathwork comes in. Not to suppress arousal, but to redirect it.
Think of the technique below as taking the raw energy your body has already generated and sharpening it into something useful.
Here’s your how-to:
Inhale strongly through your nose for two counts. Full and deliberate, like you mean it.
Hold at the top for two counts.
Exhale firmly through your mouth for four counts. It’s not a gentle sigh, but a full, intentional release.
That’s one breath. Try it for a minute and go from there. If you prefer counting breaths, start with a set of 10.
This isn’t a relaxing breath, but a clearing breath. Ideally, you’ll end up feeling fully present and sharp, rather than scattered and bracing. The idea is: the sharp inhale activates your system, the brief hold builds productive tension, and the firm exhale converts it into focused readiness.
Use this before something that matters. A difficult conversation, a pitch, a decision you’ve been circling. Not to stop feeling the nerves, but to give them somewhere useful to go.
Last Gasp
“Pressure is a privilege.” — Billie Jean King
The Breathing & Balance Hub includes techniques for your full nervous system range – calming, activating, and everything in between – and sessions start at just 2 minutes. Curious? Click here for all the details.