What I Hate About My Kitten

If you have a pet, I suspect you've been there

When I went back to work after I got engaged, my colleagues noticed two things right away: my new bling, and the smell wafting from the company kitchen.

I’d brought my leftover butterfish that I’d had at dinner the night before… in San Francisco.

Yes. Not only did I bring my fish on a cross country flight, but I ate it the next day (and thought it was still delish!). Because isn’t everyone invincible when you’re in your 20s? 

The real problem was the “eating it around other people” part. Yeah, I was thoughtless. But if it helps, I did feel bad when I realized that my coworkers didn’t enjoy the fragrance as much as I did.

And it’s not like I haven’t been there myself... I mean, who hasn’t smelled something they find horrifying? 

Take my new four-legged friend Yuzu, whose photos I shared recently. Isn’t she the cutest? Of course she is. Here’s a refresher.

My new kitten, Yuzu, is almost perfect. Almost.

She’s just as sweet as she looks, and she thinks I hung the moon. Every day she naps on my lap and then stands up, flexing her front paws against me and nibbling on my shirt until it’s patchy with kitten saliva.

Also, she’s a little stinkbomb. Literally.

Don’t get me wrong. After a month together, I love her to bits. What I don’t love is her litter box contributions. And what I love even less is her outside-the-box contributions.

For something that weighs about 6 pounds, some of the odors she produces could wake the dead. In fact, I actually texted my husband once that “she just farted on my lap and I think I might die”.   

So I was fighting the urge to gag while cleaning up the chocolate milkshakey mess she left in her bed recently – and questioning all my life choices – when a lightbulb turned on. 

For the love of pizza, I'm a breathwork coach! Surely I could breathe my way out of this noxious situation.

Thus began my quest of smell-minimizing breathing. 

These nose-saving techniques can work whether you're dealing with eau de cat sh!t, or some dude on the subway who thinks bathing is for the weak.

The Nose Knows (No Matter How Much We Sometimes Wish It Didn't)

I’ve already told you that your nose is amazing. And I mean it… even if yours looks like Marcia Brady’s after she got hit in the face with a football.

Your nose can distinguish between millions of different scents, warn us of danger (hello, gas leak!I ac), and influence our memories and emotions.

Sometimes, though, this superpower feels more like a curse.

Now, you can't completely shut off your sense of smell – at least, not without some questionable life choices. And in reality, you probably wouldn’t want to.

But you can use your breath to minimize the impact of unpleasant odors. 

Keep It Shallow

Typically, you want to take nice full breaths all the way into your abdomen… but if the garbage truck is driving by, that advice goes right in the back of it. 

Shallow breathing is your new best friend for the moment.

Take shorter breaths, inhaling and exhaling through your mouth. Think about keeping your breath in the upper part of your chest. 

This reduces the amount of air (and therefore smell) entering your nose. It's like hitting the mute button on your olfactory system. 

I like to think of my nose as an impenetrable barrier that no smell can get past.

Nerdy? Yep. 

Dramatic? Of course.

Effective? More than you’d expect.

A caveat, though…

Don't do this for too long, or you’ll trigger your own fight or flight mode. Imagine hyperventilating and passing out face-first in the litter box… actually no, don’t. 

Block Your Nose

If you’ve still got some odor seeping through your mental blockade, you might want to physically close your nostrils by pressing them with your fingers.

(You could use a nose clip too. Yeah, people around you would totally judge you. But if the smell is really that bad…)

I’m not talking about the painful squeeze you and your siblings used to give each other in the back of the car on the way to school, just a gentle press on both sides to cut off the air flow.

While you do that, breathe at a slow and steady pace through your mouth. Imagine seeing the air as it flows over your tongue and into your throat. 

This technique bypasses your nose entirely, giving your poor olfactory receptors a much-needed break. Just remember to switch back to nasal breathing once you're in the clear, or you might end up with a case of dry mouth that rivals the Sahara.

Now, I feel compelled to point out to you that the advice I’m giving you above flies in the face of common wisdom as far as good quality breathing is concerned. 

At the same time, the person in the elevator without deodorant is “flying” in the face of common decency, so there’s that.

Seriously, though – these techniques are good in certain situations, but not for regular everyday breathing over the long haul. So don’t get used to it.

When All Else Fails: The Nuclear Option

Is the smell just too powerful, despite your best efforts?

It's time to bring in the big guns, aka COFFEE BEANS. ☕

I'm not suggesting you shove them up your nose, unless a visit to the ER is part of your plan for the day. Just keep a small container of coffee beans nearby if you can. 

And when faced with what my dad would have called an “odiferous assault”, open the container and take a big whiff.

The strong scent of coffee can effectively reset your sense of smell, giving you a brief respite from whatever hellacious stench you’re enduring. 

Plus, you'll look très sophisticated sniffing coffee beans like some kind of connoisseur.

Sure, you might look pretentious walking around sniffing coffee beans like a Starbucks executive or perfume tester. 

But honestly, if the smell is that bad, do you even care?

The Silver Lining of a Code Brown*

Here's a plot twist for you: dealing with Yuzu’s stinky poops has actually made me a better breathwork coach.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are.

Mastering these smell-minimizing techniques requires a high level of breath awareness. I've become hyper-conscious of every inhale and exhale, which translates into more precise and effective coaching for my clients.

So next time you find yourself in a sh!tastic situation, remember: it's not just an assault on your senses, it's an opportunity for growth. (Okay, I’m pushing it. But this is how I make my cat’s diarhhea slightly less unbearable.)

*That’s the code for hazardous spills in hospitals – a place where they know more than most about odiferous assaults.

Last Gasp

"The fragrance always remains on the hand that gives the rose." - Mohandas Gandhi

Your turn... any stinky pet stories to share? Leave a comment below!