When Your Voice Takes Off Without You
Sometimes it’s not your in-laws, it’s your diaphragm
A few nights ago, mid-conversation, my voice suddenly climbed an octave for no reason at all.
I wasn’t stressed or emotional. I wasn’t even discussing anything important, just the logistics of dinner. Did I want baba ghanoush, or the spicy hummus with mushrooms? (Yes, and also yes.)
But it was noticeable enough that my husband told me I sound like “one of those narrators on double speed”.
He wasn’t wrong. Something in me had tightened, and my voice broadcasted it instantly.
December does this to us. Even when we’re fine, we’re… maybe a little compressed during this month of many conversations and few pockets of quiet. And without meaning to, we start speaking from a place about three inches too high.
When your breath tiptoes upward, your voice follows
The surprising part? This isn’t about stress. It’s about physics.
When your breath gets shallow, even just a little, the muscles in your upper chest and neck step in to “help” you breathe. They’re enthusiastic volunteers but not very good at the job. They create tiny tensions around your throat, your jaw, and your larynx.
Suddenly the resonance you normally carry – your natural tone, warmth, steadiness – starts to wobble.
Research shows that when people breathe shallowly and inefficiently, it ramps up those tensions in the muscles used for voice, leading to more effort, strain, and fatigue. Which is science’s polite way of saying: when your breathing gets tight, you sound like it.
You may feel calm. You may be present. But if your breath is skating along the surface instead of dropping down into the body, your voice will absolutely rat you out.
Maybe this is why voice therapists often teach deeper belly breathing to help people’s words flow smoothly again?
What makes your voice sound like you
Now, you do not actually need vocal training for this. You don’t need a TED-ready warm-up. You just need access to the muscle that makes your voice feel and sound grounded: the diaphragm.
And no, this isn’t about just pushing your belly out. (Your lungs are not down by your waistband.) Diaphragmatic breathing is simply your rib cage expanding in a 360° way – i.e. front, sides, and back – as the diaphragm descends and creates space for a full inhale.
When that happens, your voice gets its own stable platform. You suddenly have a steady column of air supporting what you want to say. Your tone evens out. Your pace slows naturally. You start sounding like someone who knows what’s what…
And people hear you the way you intend to be heard.
A tiny breath pattern with an outsized effect
There’s a breath I come back to again and again: 4-2-6. Not just because it calms (although it does), but because it anchors your sound. Here’s how to do it:
Inhale for 4, feeling your lower ribs widen.
Hold for 2 – not a tense hold, more of a “let the breath settle for a beat.”
Exhale for 6, long and smooth, like you’re gently fogging a window.
The magic is in the exhale. A longer out-breath naturally steadies airflow, and steady airflow is what makes your voice sound confident rather than forced, thin, or rushed. It also releases muscular tension in the chest and neck so your vocal folds to function like the tiny, elegant instruments they are.
Do it a few times before a conversation you care about (five of these will take you about a minute). Or before talking to someone who tends to emotionally upshift you. Or right before you say the thing you’re hoping will be your mic drop moment.
Your whole presence recalibrates.
Not because you changed the message. Because you changed the mechanism delivering it.
Presence is a sound before it’s a feeling
Most of us try to “center ourselves” emotionally before we speak. But in everyday communication – December gatherings, year-end meetings, kitchen-table heart-to-hearts – your emotional state often isn’t the first thing people perceive.
Your voice is.
A low, steady breath gives your voice room to resonate → a voice with resonance gives your words weight → speaking with weight create presence.
Not performative presence. Not power-pose presence (which has been debunked anyway). The kind where you feel like yourself while you’re speaking.
This is why breathwork is such a great tool for facilitating communication. It’s often invisible. Its impact is immediate. And it doesn’t require you to sit in a corner doing vocal exercises before your family dinner.
But a few intentional inhales and a few lengthened exhales – completely doable. And suddenly you’re inhabiting the moment differently. You feel it and other people do too. The conversation unfolds from a steadier place.
Sometimes, your breath simply wants a little room
That’s really all this comes down to: room. Space inside the ribs. A breath that’s supported instead of squeezed. A voice that can ride the exhale instead of fighting for it.
So if you notice yourself sounding like a kazoo, or a cartoon squirrel, or a slightly deflated party balloon… nothing is necessarily wrong. Your breath just snuck upward. Invite it back down. Give your diaphragm the space to work properly and your voice will find you again.
The Last Gasp
If you ever find your voice tightening or rising when you need it to stay steady, The Silent Reboot will help. It’s a set of three subtle breaths you can use in real time (during meetings, conversations, gatherings, etc.) to drop your breath, settle your sound, and speak with grounded confidence.
🎁 It’s my holiday gift to you and you can download it right here.
“One breath at a time... you can gradually develop an increasingly unshakable core inside yourself.” – Rick Hanson, Ph.D.