Your Anger Isn’t the Problem
But regulating it too fast can backfire
A lot of people are angry right now.
For some, it’s a constant simmer: tight jaw, clenched gut, that feeling of bracing even when nothing is technically happening.
For others, it’s loud. Volcanic. Ranty. The kind of anger that spills out mid-sentence or mid-scroll and surprises even the person having it.
Both reactions are real. Both live in the body.
This is why people can sometimes feel anger before they can explain it. Heat. Pressure. Muscle tone. That charged sense of *#$(^)@!& that doesn’t wait for permission to show up.
This is what it feels like inside a nervous system that’s felt pushed, constrained, or activated for too long and is done pretending otherwise.
Now, here’s something you may not have considered. And that is: anger is information.
It’s “action” energy.
And while it’s absolutely something we want to resolve (most of us don’t want to stay angry), resolving it doesn’t start with talking yourself out of it or treating it like a behavioral error.
Anger isn’t evidence that you’ve failed at regulation. It’s a sign that your system has moved into action.
And that happens in the body first, not the brain.
Nature’s Catalyst for Action
Feeling anger doesn’t mean you’re an angry person; it simply means your nervous system is mobilized.
That’s an important distinction, because when we confuse anger with identity, we start trying to fix ourselves instead of working with what’s actually happening physiologically.
Anger shows up as heat, tension, vigilance. Muscles ready to move. Your breathing gets sharper or shallower. Attention narrows. Your system shifts into do something mode.
Which makes sense. Anger evolved to create action.
The problem isn’t anger itself. The problem is what happens when that mobilizing energy has nowhere to go.
When we’re told to calm down, breathe softly, or think differently before the body has discharged that energy, the system often pushes back.It’s not resistance – it’s biology.
Think of it this way: unexpressed anger doesn’t vanish. It leaks.
And when it spills over, it looks like exhaustion. Or burnout. Numbness. Maybe snapping at the wrong person. Or that low-grade, ongoing irritability where everything feels like one more thing you don’t have the capacity for.
It seems like it might be a “mindset issue”, but there’s really something else going on.
Regulation without direction can feel invalidating.
If your system is activated and you immediately try to downshift with slow breathing, soothing cues, and reframes, you may end up feeling worse, not better. Not because those tools are useless, but because the body hasn’t had a chance to discharge anything yet.
Anger needs an outlet before it can soften. The goal isn’t to eliminate it, but to let it move.
Think of anger like pressure building in a sealed container. You can’t reason the pressure away. You have to give it somewhere to go.
Once some of that pressure is released, regulation becomes possible. Sometimes surprisingly quickly.
Outlets for Anger in Everyday Life
This is not a checklist but a short menu.
~ Physical effort.
Go for a little exertion. I mentioned push-ups last time but you could also do sit-ups, wall sits, or squats. Or maybe some jumping jacks or a brisk walk. Let the body do what it’s already preparing itself to do.
~ Sound or voice.
Rant in the car. Growl. Sigh audibly. Sound helps discharge pressure.
~ Breathing to release pressure.
This is an active letting-go breath, not a calming one.
You’ll start by inhaling normally through the nose. Hold your breath at the top for a beat or two, letting the tension build the tiniest bit. Then exhale forcefully through the mouth. Sound is encouraged. Imagine fogging a mirror with intent.
Try it for a minute or two. However long feels good at your natural pace. Then return to nasal breathing.
That’s it.
The idea is to let pressure out of the system so regulation becomes possible after. To notice what shifts when you stop trying to think your way out and let the body participate.
Serenity Now?
So… shake it off, move on, feel blissful? Probably not.
But if you:
Don’t detonate when you normally would
Don’t swallow your anger and force yourself to move on while it festers
Stay in your body long enough to choose your response instead of reacting
Then that’s a win.
Your anger may still be here tomorrow. That doesn’t mean today was a failure. It means you’re learning how to work with your nervous system instead of against it.
And that’s a skill.
Last Gasp
If you want something simple to reach for when your system is hot, I’ve got you.
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“Anybody can become angry — that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power.”
— Aristotle